Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
